What I’m Here For, And What This Isn’t

I am here for the parts of myself that have been left in the dust of my past.

Part crude, part comedic, and entirely true.

I am here to share these parts with you.

And I hope that wherever you are- whoever you are- if you ever find these parts to be true to you – to own them. And own them with pride, rather than ego. To own them shamelessly, fully, and unapologetically. I hope to share these bits of myself, so that whoever is dwelling in a space of their mind that I have once occupied in mine, can find a kind recording of memory and resilience left there.

The only games I have ever willingly played have been ones that could only have been lost with a piece of my life. I have conquered fears I would never choose to re-live, and I have spoken both openly and in whisper of events that have clutched to the bones of my pelvis, spine, shoulders, and soles. To my blood, my tissues, and my tendons.

I am here to recite these events, resolutions, and realizations with those who can relate, and those who cannot. I find equal value in sharing life experiences with those who understand me, and those who are repelled by “people like me.”

People who have been free with their bodies. People who have scarred others with their choices. People who have been robbed of their own consent. People who have sought to regain power through their vulnerabilities. People with addictions. People with regrets. People with PTSD. People living with disease, and frustration. People whose heritage spans an oxymoron of political contempt over a border that breaks our very backs. People who fight for others, while fighting themselves. People who swear by their sins and laugh at their irony. People who can never forgive themselves. People who do not understand themselves. People who wish to be entirely seen yet entirely hidden from view. People straddling worlds of socioeconomic spectrums that refuse to understand one another. People stuck in a perpetual state of fight or flight.

I am here for all of these, and more. And, I am also here for you.

Because I do not know kindness to myself, unless I know kindness to a stranger.

This isn’t a bible of self-recovery. These aren’t memoirs of a saint, by far. The triumphs that I have experienced have been tainted by trauma, and I accept them as they are. The way I have found most beneficial to coping has been sharing, reflecting, and shoving the revelations back into the world. And so I am doing just that.

I am recording and storing my cycles of angst and accomplishment here, where those who may need to know that they are not alone can read them.

This is not a preacher’s pedestal, because I have a fear of heights. This isn’t an overreaching diagnosis for all who have experienced similar circumstances. This isn’t a shaming of those who do not understand. This is not a time or place to be afraid of who we are, and this is not a time or place to be afraid of who others are.

This is nothing more and nothing less than brutally honest writing on the worlds I have witnessed, the insecurities I live with, the traumas that haunt my mind, the conflicts that I have committed myself to, and the spirit that drives me forever onward.

I am far from recovery and far from dead, and I couldn’t ask for a better place to be than here; Mid- Journey. Where I am forced to do nothing more than survive, and be.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering.

One thought on “What I’m Here For, And What This Isn’t

  1. I am loving this already. I love you for who you are and for what you are doing here. Keep on keepin’ on, my dear friend ❤

    -Caro xx

    Like

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