Narcissistic and Altruistic

(This post is a continuation of thoughts on How to Deal With Loneliness )

I made the video in the link above as a spur-of-the-moment outburst following weeks of discouraging events that had given me a deep, dreaded sense of discomfort. These feelings eventually climaxed and burst forth from me in a half-hazard fashion, and I found myself feeling incredibly alone.

Loneliness has  had become my best friend.

What I have realized since posting the video this weekend was how isolating I have been to myself. Not only socially, (in avoiding situations where I would have to actually be in a room with people whom I felt no connection, nor desire to be with…) but from myself, as well.

I have once again been dislocated from myself in ways that I had never imagined I would be. Back in the same space of mind, adrift in waves of uncertainty… I have been isolating my feelings and fears from the rest of my health, as if they are not affecting one another. I have not been exploring these parts of myself that have been feeding into this sensation of loneliness, as much as I have been intending to… and as much as I encourage others to.

A large part of my starting this blog (and vlog) has been to hold myself accountable for accepting the places and states of mind that I am in. Another part is to share these parts with others, so that they do not feel the same loneliness within their worlds of pain that I have felt. I am fueled by equal parts narcissism and altruism.

You could say that I credit loneliness for driving me to seek community. And as much as I can, I would like to attempt to create community, as well. It has been difficult starting out, to have these large goals and dreams for my content and my messages. Some days I feel as if I may be doing this all for the wrong reasons; to feed my self-esteem, to feel heard, to feel seen….

But are those reasons really “wrong”? Should we feel shitty for wanting to be validated? I admit that being overly obsessed with validation is unhealthy, but to what extent can it be healthy for those of us living in the margins of the public, with messages so urgent inside us that we are bursting at the seams? To what extent can validation be helpful in times of loneliness?

There are lots of disgruntled generations out there griping and grumbling that these newer generations are too obsessed and sensitive to mental health, validation, and self-care. But are those things “wrong” to care about?

Or are they just…dare I say it… progressive? Could “sucking it up” when you’re feeling lonely, and continuing on a path of self-righteous independence be more healthy than admitting that you need visibility and a lended ear? I would think  hope not.

The other day I wrote that,

People act like being sensitive is the worst thing you could be, as if being so insecure that you deny your senses isn’t…

and I feel this may summarize what I have been rambling about within this blog post. Just don’t deny your true needs to keep yourself whole. Do what you need to acknowledge your emotions. Scream them from the tops of a mountain. Or write them down and publish them to the general public… Do what you gotta do. You’re not alone…even if you’re lonely.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering

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