Role Model – a person looked to by others as an example to be imitated.
Ahhhh, there was a time when I wanted to be a role model to others. I wanted to be someone that others could look up to, unwaveringly. I wanted to be that cool adult that made big moves and made it through the fires of life to sign autographs with the ash still left on their toes…
But this was ironically when I couldn’t even fathom looking up to myself. And perhaps that was the point of this wishful thinking- Imagining that no matter what I did, if I could have outside validation as being someone worthy of being praised, that I would find a way to think of myself equally as such.
But that’s no real way to go about being a conductive person to the spirit of the world and others, is it?
That shit had to change.
I had to start re-framing this romanticized idea of myself as a saint of sorts, to a realistic rendition of what I felt internally. I had to start seeing myself realistically. As a person with a questionable past, unkept morals, and egotistical malfunction.
And to try, (dear God did I try,) to not see myself as only those things. To see myself for my strength and valor as well. And to find ways to re-adapt my integrity and ingenuity to include lessons from my past, personal moral codes, and egotistical neutrality.
And I’m still working on that shit.
I’ve found that the more publicly that I own myself, I hear that clear social temptation of fabricating my experiences into something more wholesome and digestible, in order to achieve that idealized “role model” persona.
Ehhhh, that persona isn’t me. I have never been very wholesome or digestible. (I mean, I’ve even had IBS once…) And the idea of shaving off the undesirable and embarrassing bits of myself in order to satiate mine and other’s desire to find an idol makes me cringe.
I’d rather be a model of unfiltered realness. And if I become a brand-new shiny role model one day, (more than likely accidentally,) it will be when I am comfortable not feeling as if I need to display a calm, cool and collected facade of self-control…
And this logic has come from my warped idea of what a role model is. I have been lead to believe that role models are super heroes that do no wrong, and make saving themselves and others look sweat-less.
But when I really reflect on those I’ve wanted to embody, I see the people that are still in the middle of hell, or fresh out of it. I see large moves in small towns and mistakable missions lead of mice and men. I see honest, hardworking people that disappoint daily, but still keep enough faith to try again tomorrow.
Sometimes, when I try real hard, and I become really impassioned about my cause, I see myself as a model of realness, and authenticity. And DAMN is that liberating.
It feels better than being my former idea of what a “role model” is.
Mmmm, A Real Role Model. Now that sounds doable. A model of 100% unfiltered realness. That sounds more appealing. And dammit if I’d rather find a pretentious role model outside of myself, than find ways of looking at myself as a regular-ass, real-ass role model for myself.
That’s the real goal, man.
Focus on your ability to be the next person you look up to. Focus on your strengths, acknowledge your weaknesses..
and find that real-ass role model in yourself.
That’s what I’ll be doing…