It’s been a time and a process getting to this point, but I just may be getting better.
I put it out in the universe a year ago that I wanted to live affordably with a studio where I could focus on my projects. A place where I could create for my own sake, rather than a grade or monetary gain. A place where I could create by myself and for myself.
I knew that I would need a new environment to try exploring my creativity in ways that I had not been able to before. An environment where external pressures didn’t intrude on my thought and creation process. Where I could practice what I preach and approach art with a therapeutic rather than critical mentality. I knew that I would need to make work about my experience for an audience of self for a while, before I could once again feel comfortable creating for an audience of colleagues and strangers again.
And now I have that.
I put it out in the universe a year ago that I wanted to take a break from the pressures I put on myself to persevere without fault, and take time to sit with my demons. To find a professional I trusted to help me formulate a path to healing. To begin tying the knots of closure over my past, and begin laying bricks to my future. I wanted to find a way to finish what I started when I began going to therapy years ago, and make the intermittent sessions become seamless and stable.
I wanted to reap the most emotional gain with the least amount of financial loss in therapy- and to find a therapist that could empathize without becoming overwhelmed.
And I found that.
I put it out in the universe a year ago that I wanted to find a job that didn’t exhaust me out of enthusiasm for my projects off-the-clock. I wanted to have freedom over my schedule and continue teaching the best way I knew how and within the subject that I know best. I wanted to be able to utilize my degree without having pressure to create my identity around it, as my years of education had convinced me to do.
I knew that as much as I loved what I had gone into college to do, that by the end of my 5 years I was no longer “in” love with it. That my love for my medium and my techniques only grew when I was watching another’s face brightened once they had mastered it under my guidance.
And now I do that.
A year ago I put it out in the universe that I really wanted an excuse to rest. I refused to ever believe in my tired eyes and sore body and heavy heart enough to allow myself to rest… I knew that I would never give myself a “break” until I was broken. (And even then, when I felt the most downtrodden and out of luck- I refused to allow myself to excuse my lack of productivity on behalf of my lack of stability.)
So I was slammed and beat down until I had no choice but to rest and seek recovery in a place where I would have 0 chance of getting distracted and overworked by external pressures. Where I could go incognito and find the experiences I wanted without fearing the escape from the ones that I didn’t.
The universe has given me it all.
It didn’t give me fame or money- in fact it stripped me of those ambitions until I had nothing left but to invest myself in my emotional and mental health. It slapped all of my practical reasoning out of my head and all of my material joys out of my hands. It flipped me upside down and took the two cents that fell out of my head like a bully at a playground.
A year ago I made all of these wishes deep down in my soul, beneath my superficial wishes for fame an money. I voiced the latter wishes stronger, more adamantly. But it was the firmer, deeper wishes that the universe heard. It was only the demands I made for the betterment of my soul that were answered. It was only the questions that I asked about my real purpose that have been guided.
And I now have everything that I had asked for a year ago, that I didn’t believe I really deserved, or needed.
If you’ve been searching and asking for shallow gain in this materialistic world, I beg of you to take care and also examine what you may be asking for on a deeper level- those deeper pleas are what the universe actually hears, and answers. Hopefully yours come to fruition faster than mine did- but if they don’t, you’ll be alright. You’ll get better. I have.