Replaced into a New Space

I choose to mourn while moving forward.

Whether from a lover, a friend, or a family member- we need that sense of support in our lives…and I am not any different.

I have been realizing over the past few weeks, (through therapy and general conversation,) that I have been grieving the loss of support from these key relationships. Relationships that had originally been vital to my sense of stability, and core to my identity as the other half of a pair, a friendship, and a kinship.

I have lost the intimacy of sharing day-to-day happenings with these people, and hearing them speak about their own.

Lives becoming busy is one matter- drifting apart is another. I have experienced both and unfortunately understand them quite well. But it doesn’t ease the surprise or sadness that comes with the realization of the latter rather than the former taking place in my life.

I cannot re-route my loyalties as quickly and ultimately as these people who have found new placeholders for my presence. I form attachments to those I find genuine, as determining friend from foe is a matter of survival for me. So losing those attachments usually sends me in a frenzy of fight and flight. I’ve started recognizing this in myself, and rather than holding it against those who have their own lives and autonomy separate of mine- I hold myself accountable for addressing these issues in my reactions, how I move forward from the fear.

Distance certainly has a role to play in this drifting. In the unanswered messages and the ignored calls- in the excuses made while spending time with others in real, physical time. I understand the need to connect face-to-face. I have those needs too. And I understand that priorities and preferences shift… but mine usually stay stagnant until forced to re-adapt.

I have been replaced in several scenarios, in several relationships, within several months. So the time to re-adapt is now.

And so I have begun to retract, peacefully (/externally) and fiercely (/internally) back into myself to make a new plan. To find new connections. To create new adventures with new people.

It’s not the same. It never is. And it never should be.

I hate losing my friends.

But I do enjoy making new ones.

And I have been making conscious steps to create new relationships of support. I have been pro-active and positive about each encounter- a feat not small for someone with a tendency to isolate back into a survivalistic mentality that screams, “the world is out to get you, watch your back.”

I have been taking myself once again out of my comfort zones and into unknown groups, underrated spaces, and unforeseen social situations.

This isn’t the first time I’ve been carefully placed to the side in the lives of those who I center in mine. I know how the cycle works- so I don’t fight it. I don’t make an ass out of myself, if I can help it. I still offer opportunities for connection but begin to take it less personally when the offers are dismissed. I start branching out, recreating. Reconnecting. Plugging in.

And so I’ll be alright.

I’ll morn the lost connections that live on through separated bodies and experiences. I’ll happily reminisce over the bond that I once had with these people.

But I choose to mourn while moving forward.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering

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