Conditional Love

We need to stop sucking the dick of unconditional love.

I know that sounds harsh and anti-sentimental, but I promise it’s for practical purposes.

Every sappy show, movie, article, and relational advice column seems to push this idea of unconditional love and the choice to CHOOSE  LOVE every fucking day as the optimal way to live and let live.

But to what end are we sacrificing our own emotional well-being in choosing to love someone potentially toxic or dangerous to us, EVERY FUCKING DAY?

When does the effort to forgive and maintain a relationship overly exhaust us to where we don’t have enough energy to focus on ourselves? And how do we know when this scale has tipped? What do we do when we find ourselves sacrificing more than we are receiving? When we are expending ourselves over someone who refuses to work for the minimal? For someone who cannot fathom exploring the depths of themselves, let alone the depths of your relationship?

What is the real difference between non-compatible and complimentary?

Personally, I don’t have these answers. But I do know that these questions have been haunting me repeatedly for all of 2018.

These questions seem to ring louder and longer when you double down on some childhood trauma and relational abuse to thicken the plot and raise the stakes of mistaking an opportunity to love for an opportunity to run.

My first instinct when facing adversity within a relationship is always to run first and look back later. While this has cost me several opportunities to become more intimate with others, it has also saved me from wasting energy on dead-end dead beats (that later went on to ruin others.)

So coming to a crossroads again where I debate whether to run or ponder the potential for growth past adversity within a relationship is terrifying.

The last time I did so, I was blind-sided by malevolence from one of the few people I trusted. And to be once again in that situation is, I will state again- terrifying.

This blog post may be somewhat different than my previous ones in that I do not have a morale-boosting end note to leave it on. I am still musing over my current situation, and have no definable answers to give to myself, let alone anyone else.

So I will continue to try and sort the checks and balances of this decision, and try to be compassionate with myself as a grow into this new phase of healing that requires me to think before I act on my triggered instincts…

In the meantime, please share your thoughts and personal insight on these thoughts. If you have any advice, that is also well and welcomed now and always.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering.

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