The following is an exert from a journal entry I wrote on Nov. 25th, 2017.
Peace and protection; the only things that really matter, and the only things that I really want, when I actually stop and attempt to summarize what that is.
I would like peace to hold me through my trials, and protection to keep me from drastic harm in them. I think that I am significantly growing through this period of time, where I am in the middle of battle, it seems.
Apparently, it’s not just me feeling this massive struggle, and that makes me feel a whole lot less helpless, and a whole lot less alone. And that’s the point I’ve been trying to make to others for a whole long time; that you’re only as alone as you believe yourself to feel.
I have failed myself in that respect, for feeling as if I have utterly failed myself on several fronts, and for feeling as if I have been both the villain and victim to myself.
[…….] that’s what I should be striving to do. Love all of my pieces and parts equally.
It’s quite a task, and not one always done very easily, but I believe that it could be worth the effort and the time. I believe that investing time in the healing of myself is worth it, and that striving to find and deliver peace and protection to myself are not only lofty goals, but ones that I deserve.
I do deserve peace, and I do deserve happiness, and I deserve these things first and foremost from myself.
I am not at peace with myself and I am not entirely happy with myself, and I definitely find issue with entirely loving myself.
These are all things I can fix and mean to fix in the following year. I owe it to myself more than anything.
If I can’t have these foundations of peace and protection within myself, it’s no wonder that I go into overdrive when I am attacked from outside forces and energies. It’s no wonder that I have a lack of peace in relationships and a lack of peace with the world and fate.
I have an utter lack of peace with myself.
I have protection down, for sure, though.
I know how to bare my teeth and tense my back and scowl and growl at those that come too near to me. I know how to do the same to myself, when my defenses have been forfeited and I find myself needing assistance.
But I don’t know how to protect myself from getting to these points, to begin with.
I don’t know how to protect myself from internalizing issues that are not mine, and feeling my foes’ wraths for me deep down in my sternum. I still need to practice shielding myself from these dark, ominous presences in my life.
And I still need to practice loving myself despite of them.
I need to practice not only how to cope but how to heal from the roots upward.
To accept what I could and could not do in the heats of battle when I felt that I could not protect myself.
To love myself despite what common sense, aka my developed sense of self, taught me-
that I am only worthy when I have won.