Peace and Protection, Pt. 2

The following is an exert from a journal entry I wrote on November 25th, 2018.

This concept of winning has been growing from a stream of exposure to others who have a clear-cut view of what it means to win and be successful.

Obviously and unluckily, those are not what it means to me to be a winner, and successful.

A mental health note and tip to myself- when you find yourself in a good mood or in a pleasant place in life, actually let yourself enjoy it. Don’t worry about the next time that the darkness is going to overtake you, or the next time that you are going to fall flat on your face and fail / flail down into the pit of your self-made demise.

Savor it, and find out what it has in common with other times you’ve felt this good. Find those morsels of hope, and try to live them as much and as often as possible.

Don’t let your doubt overshadow your joy, and know that although this feeling will only be temporary, living in it also means that your recent darkness was also temporary.

It won’t go away over night, and maybe it never will- but this isn’t a reason to let it win over your peace of mind, and feel that you are doomed. You are, but hey- at least there will be good days.

And at the peak time of these good days, try and hold on to the moments that you feel most alive, most yourself.

Don’t cling to them because you know that they will pass away – cling to them because they are the current moment.

I struggle with this- not allowing myself to enjoy the current moment, because of the shadows of doubt and fear that overcloud them. But I am trying to get better, more earnestly this time, because I have to, and have no other choice but to.

At this point in life, I have no obligations or reasons to stop myself from accomplishing anything that I want or wish to do. Does this mean that I should throw myself in a death spin toward more difficult goals and high reaching status? Or does that mean I allow myself the selfishness to work on my own, and work on myself.

I really think that I owe myself the latter.

To work on my peace of mind and loving protection from both internal and external problems and foes.

To work on allowing myself to be soft and seamless and vulnerable to the changes that I could actually invest myself in.

To feel as if I can actually, finally breath.

And if I live to be 80, will it matter that I took this time away from the rat race to work on my personal wellbeing? If I die tomorrow, will it matter?

No, and yes.

And these are the only two answers that I need to make my decision to committing myself to the betterment of myself.

I am growing older now, bodily. But not as old as my mind perceives itself to be. And this mental age is blowing its fuse, lighting fires of impatience and ignorance against myself and better judgment.

I have nothing to prove to anyone.

I have no dreams to live for someone else.

I have all right to be my own person.

I have all right to take care of myself.

I have the ability to be whoever I want to be.

And right now, I want to be at peace. I want to be protected.

And I don’t want the peace to be some shred of self esteem that I have used many times like an old favorite blanket- rehearsing the same lines of pride in my self-adequacy.

I want peace to be the ability to self- advocate and ask for help. I want peace to be an eternal essence, not only a fleeting feeling in myself.

I want peace to be thorough and unconditional, whether I’m standing on high ground or running through the forest of my demons. I want peace to be within me, not without me.

I want protection to be more than the snarling fangs of self-hate and survival. I want protection to be more past a rigid defense once the evil has penetrated my bones to my brain.

I want protection to be a warding and a warning before the fall. I want protection to consider my soul as much as my skin. I want protection, need protection, that cares just as much about energy as it does about visible evil.

I need protection that is more than an offense or a defense, but a spiritual shield bestowed with the faith and belief that I have lost in the fear of a power greater than myself.

I want peace and protection to steady the washing tides within myself, to bring peace to my spirit, and keep it from further entanglement in problems that are not truly its own.

I want a life of love and empowerment from myself, rather than a life run by my desire to find them. I no longer want to seek validation outside of myself so that I can just scoff at someone else’s belief in me and what I can and should be.

I want to feel the value within myself, and know that I am the one in control of my emotions. I want to be at the wheel once again. I no longer want my emotions to run me and ruin me.

My spirit has been so weak, that it has been at the mercy of my emotions.

And they have run rampant and reckless through the caves of my chest, wreaking havoc.

I want peace and protection in my spirit, as I step into battle with these emotions that have played the gods and terrors of my existence.

It’s time to put them in their place, but with loving grace.

These steps are hard to figure out and follow, but I think this is one of the first.

Accepting peace and protection into my heart, rather than threatening it with them.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering

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