Recovery

I’m just now coming down from my 3-week period of activation and feeling hella grateful to feel the ground beneath my feet and my breath beneath my nose.

At one point last week, my body went through a series of exhaustive shakes, quivers, and sessions of bodily soreness. My abs and obliques felt as if I had been doing core strengthening and my legs cramped as if my period was coming, (which is my usual pms symptom.) My biceps felt as if I had been lifting my weight in woes, and I found myself hardly able to open a door for myself or walk stairs without feeling winded and weak.

I haven’t been this bodily affected by my emotions in a long time, and half of me still wants to thank the fucking eclipse and full moon for my sudden surge in imbalance.

But I also know there are micro and macro environmental stressors that are wreaking havoc on a lot of our bodies and minds here on earth, too.

We are being faced with public trials and real- time oppressive comments that make us fear our own supposed safety nets within society. We are seeing the most privileged dual it out with one another, and realizing that there is no hope for us if even the mighty cannot win over the inescapable evils of toxic patriarchal sadism. We are fearing for our lives and feeling trapped. We are fighting wildly while trying to keep respectability politics on our sides. We are flailing for justice and organizing our thoughts and comrades with specific speech.

And we are exhausted.

I have been witnessing and experiencing sexist comments and sexual harassment aggressions within the town I currently live at a higher rate, and trying so hard to set my boundaries while remaining supportive. Trying so hard to not irrationally fight or flee by instinct while feeling frozen and trapped within the city limits.

How are we supposed to recover when our wounds are reopened constantly?

How am I supposed to remind my body to relax when my body is in danger?

How am I supposed to tell my mind to “just chill” when it’s overstimulated with red flags and oppressive faces?

I used to only physically exert myself with impulsive defensive measures when there was a visible threat moving toward me with intentions to bodily harm me. But now the noises, the voices, the body language, the essence, the energy, it all affects me. It’s all read and recited through my muscles and delivered with sheer fear in the form of tension and tightness.

The nausea has offset my eating patterns and sending me through periods of extreme hunger and fatigue. I’ve been trying my best to nourish my body while ignoring the naysaying internal voice reminding me that people will judge me for my physique if I can’t get my anxiety under control. I am anticipating danger around every corner behind every door and in every eye. And trying so so hard to not feel like I might die. Like someone will take me out when I’m unsuspecting, and undermine not just my livelihood but my very life.

The only consolation is that I find so much value in my own life now, that I am willing to fight to keep it. Every part of it- including my mental.

I may be coming down, but the terror never entirely dies. Recovery as we know it is never linear, but that never stops us from expecting it to be easier than it is.

I’ve hit another slump, another low, and I can’t rely on situational comforts to make recovery easier when the physical, financial, and emotional struggles are all-surrounding.

But I can try.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering

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