Resentful Relaxation, Pt. 2

This journal entry was written on November 10th, 2017- a month after my car accident and is a secondary part to Resentful Relaxation, Part 1

Writing out these musings seems like a dark path of meandering distrust to eyes that haven’t related to this train of thought before, but to those who have, it makes more sense than the ego would allow.

And although I can’t change everything in my life, I can choose to change my ego.

That is within my control. It is not in control of me.

So that is what I will focus on, as a way to fight the irony and the disrespect I’ve thrown at myself.

My learned and evolved ego, that I have fixed up and glorified, has been the real pain in my life – not the actual tragedies.

The ego is what has refused to let me heal. It tells me to not only keep going and ignore the body and soul’s cry for rest, but to push them harder and tell them to put their chin up.

The ego is what has shamed me for my sadness. When my heart longed for comfort or longed for a home, it told them that comfort and the concept of home is for weaklings, and that we had not yet earned the privilege.

The ego has led me into a list of comparisons with multiple people of different dimensions in my world. And told me that in order to survive, I had to not only do better than all of them, in whatever way that they were pulling me, but to live the dreams they have for me.

And this is the part that has sent me into the most distress.

How is one supposed to live 50 different types of lives at once?

How is one supposed to follow dreams that were instilled in them by others?

These dreams in particular are tricky, as they are either planted by those who are incapable or unwilling to pursue them, and wish you to do the work so that they see their dreams lived out, or they are genuinely given by those who generously wish you well, or they are poked into your side by those who are on that path, and wish for a comrade.

The guilt that all three of these types of planting are not caused by these people. They do not insist that I have the potential to accomplish great things because they wish me any ill will.

The guilt that I feel when I turn my back on these dreams is from the ego.

The ego screams at me that by turning my back on these dreams that are not mine, I am turning my back on these people.

I am letting down those who are incapable of succeeding, I am letting down those who want the best for me, and I am letting down those who hoped I would join their ranks.

But those who believe themselves incapable need to know that they themselves should embody something, if they want it that bad, and not force it on another to carry.

Those who want my full potential to be realized are not me, and will be happy for me regardless of what I choose, as long as I am ultimately happy.

And those who want me to join their ranks need to know that not everyone wants and strives for the same dream as them.

I need to learn to let these parts go, and to let the ego go.

It has served its purpose in pulling me out of danger for years, and cheering me on to succeed.

But maybe the ego is not the enemy at all either. Maybe, as I have been told, I am a good person, not a bad person. And that carries into all aspects of me- even the ego.

I said that the ego was learned. And it learned what it had to to survive. It played its part, and I am grateful to it. But now I am out of danger, and it needs to understand that.

My ego needs to understand that there is no need to attack when I am not under attack.

And I think, honestly, that my ego is tired. It is burned out. But it doesn’t know how to rest, how to retire.

I have to teach it, retrain it, and lead it to a seat in my mind to play a secondary role in my life, and not be the primary row of mental soldiers that comes out first and foremost to any occasion.

It has been resentful to rest because it knows I need it, but doesn’t think I deserve it.

It’s time for rest. It’s time to rewire, reteach, and recoup my body and mind so that it is no longer at war with itself. I deserve to love and care for myself.

And that means that I need to retire my ego, and rest peacefully, in whatever way I can, in the faith and trust that I will be exactly who and how I am, regardless of trauma.

May you be well, May you be happy, May you be free from suffering

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