If I could label the past year with one word, I would call it an intermission at best and a disruption at worst.
The ways that I’ve spent my time and efforts has been wildly different than before, and much less professionally fulfilling than I wish for my future. I have found respite, but hardly relaxation, as I have known this year to be a small fraction of time within a small fraction of a town utilizing a small fraction of my potential- even before it began.
And so, in the name of positivity, I’d call it an intermission to my mission. I will not miss it like a crucial part in the plot of my path, but I will accept the necessity of a break in my plot.
During this time in a strange whitewashed land I have learned how to defend myself with both earnest and ease. I have learned that I can find allies within enemy lines, and that I can learn the most from those I fear the most. That I can be a better friend than ever before, and that critiquing my actions and reactions is just as necessary as critiquing the actions and reactions of others.
I witnessed the worst internal winter of my life during the most externally windy winter of my life. I believed that I would never find friends who made me feel at home where I was…
And I was right. I never found friends who made me feel like I was at home in my place of intermission.
But I did find friends who helped me feel at home within myself. Within my identity, sexuality, and privileged marginalized sect. I found friends and foes who helped me hone in my passions for righteousness and visibility. I found confidence in taking up as much space possible, and knowing when to center others.
I learned how to hold space and pass along the generosity of acceptance. I learned how to allow vulnerability and witness healing, while slowly breaking down my own walls in allowing the same from others.
I found my own silver lining in the center fold of my plot twist, and I found it accidentally. Otherwise, I would have never sought it.
I would have never thought I deserved, (much less had earned,) a moment to get up, stretch my legs, and move my mind’s eye away from the main production. I would not have had a chance to refocus anew on the mission at hand with a refreshed gaze.
And now that I have had it- suffered and savored it- I can move on from it.
Back to the mission, back to the plot.
And find a way to accept that the intermission is just as necessary and useful as the production itself. That all works of creation deserve a moment to step away, in order to step back into themselves with renewed energy and wonder.
I hope to find energy and wonder, synchronicity and peace, after this intermission.
And I already feel it soaking in. It is luxurious, and much deserved.
I just have to keep reminding myself of that.