It’s been about a month since my last post, and within that time I’ve definitely shifted back into a more affirmative mental space…comparatively.
Within the past month I have been temporarily working within a sector that I love, and trying not to take it for granted because of “a lack of stability.” I have been putting my heart into it, and trying to remember that this was the work I once dreamed of doing for others. I’ve been underlining to myself that I am back in a state of privilege with sufficient food and shelter, and that I can relax into the warm embrace of family that has missed me. Family that wishes I would un-tense my shoulders, take a moment to live/love freely, and earn money where I can rather than with all my might at the expense of my mind and body.
Within the past month I have forged new relationships and lost old ones. I have been both heartbroken and fulfilled- often feeling overwhelmed by the sheer amount of new human contact I have experienced. I have been spending time with more sober people, more socially aware people, and more sensitive people. I have been spending time with people whose larger parts feed my smaller parts, and vice versa. And I have been sharing my concerns over money with them, while they remind me that capitalism is the true failure to society, not me.
I have been enjoying physical intimacy on varying levels, and learning how to accept kindness from others without their request for emotional or physical reimbursement. I have been learning that it’s not necessary to reciprocate affection in the love language of another- and that true love, in whatever range, (platonic-romantic) will always recognize the language of another.
I have been learning that I have a soft spirit, a kind demeanor- and that I am loved for both. I have been learning that there are people in the world who find my tender sides endearing, and my rampantly intense sides just as valid.
I have been told that I’m not “too much,” will never be “too much,” and am not less-than for my level of energy.
And this is news to me, when others have conditioned me to quiet my tone, sensor my stories, and hold my weight still. This is news to me when I’ve been seen as an embarrassment for oversharing, a less civilized person for my manners, and a burden for my need to be heard.
It is news to me that my value and worth are not in what I can do for money or for someone else.
That my value and worth are in how much I can be wholly myself.